Confession of a minor

I had long been suffering in the shadow for too long. This shadow has been cast over me since I lost my competitive edge at 16. After 16, I was totally a shadow of my past. In the past I'm competitive and I always strive to be the best academically. Many will ask how I lost it and why I desert it...there is no clear answer to that but I can tell everyone I am just sick of always being judged by the book cover(stereotyped). Just because I am a son of a math teacher doesn't mean I must be a math genius. The effort I put in in order to get 100 marks in math is cruelly dismissed. There are some who even dare to talk behind me that my mum leaked the questions to me beforehand. There was once I got 44 marks for add maths and the same group now chided me for shaming my mum's name. The constant scrutiny I get for being in the same school where my mum work as a teacher is too much for me to bear. Every single mistake I do will be amplified and reported to my mum immediately. I am expected from the start to be holier than thou and smart. Who the hell said that a teacher's son must be smart? Whose fucking idea is that? In my school alot of people dare not approach me for the fear of incurring my mum's wrath...she was once a discipline teacher...sigh. Guess thats how and why I lost my competitive streak, people simply don't acknowledge the effort I put in. Another incident worth mentioning is I was basically awarded the post of president in a club because everyone is afraid to go against my mum again. At present, I don't want to point fingers at anyone because it is over and totally behind me. I'm cool with constantly living behind people's shadow because I actually hated the limelight and my so called "special status" in my school. Today I am standing up for those who have suffered silently like me, those being taken for granted for keeping quiet everytime. All these years I've grown used to being taken for granted as my opinion seldom count. Why am I saying so? After several academic setbacks in my college life, I have lost confidence in my ability. In this ruthless world, people will look to the smart ones for advice, I'm not smitten about it...hey! everybody likes a winner doesn't it? How things changed huh? I have imagined a better life leaving my mum's shadow in the college but it seems otherwise. I am surrounded by a bunch of hugely motivated and intelligent smart asses who are waiting for their turn to rule the world. I guess being the worst among the best is not too bad but the constant stereotyping that this guy wont get anything right and will lead us to nowhere has seriously hurt me. Being constantly outshone and outsmarted did no good to my confidence levels. The only virtue I have according to some which is me being a nice guy has gone against me time and again. The good will alwalys defeat the bad only occurs in the movies at a higher frequency. Being nice and sincere to others has certainly brought me a few good friends but mostly take it as a pinch of salt. Well, guess its life afterall...you don't expect so much in return after giving so much. So the nice guy queitly trudge along with a fake smile that not many even notice. The fake mask he dons everyday to class has hidden his true inner feelings with admirable results. He still even have the nerve to make fun of others eventhough he knows how they are feeling. I am not asking everybody to suddenly sit up and take notice of me because as alwalys I hate hogging the limelight. In times of arguments I seldom put my point across because I know nobody take me seriously because I don't look like one. The argument will end with me admitting defeat in 80% of the cases as my principle that time is not to make enemy with anyone else. I am always portrayed as the guy who don't give a fuck with what's happening. No doubt that I am like that because I'm sick of being constantly taken for granted. Why bother to ask me when you know what you are going to do? A good case of fearing the fierce ones and bullying the gentle ones is when I'm being asked to show directions...which I admit I know nuts about it. Just after a few wrong turns people start getting on my back. Is it because I am always so mild mannered and laughing so fucking fake that you guys think I am easy to pick on. If you are so fucking good, please fucking show the fucking way. I know I am getting out of control here...I don't intend to start a name-calling circus here. I'm just stating my point that just because I don't show my anger when I'm pissed doesn't mean that I'm alright with it. I may laugh and shrug it off as nothing when asked about it but don't ever assume I'm all cool about it. People say I have super good temper and in fact not even one has seen me losing my temper once. Well the saying that the silent tiger is the deadliest is true...so don't even try to push me towards that. All hell will break loose if that happens. Being nice to others is my nature, I can't change it no matter how much I tried. A nice guy will not survive this ruthless world if others don't appreciate him and he doesn't know how to protect himself. I would say I won't purposely be a bad guy overnight but if things keep turning against me, this world will lose one very soon. One more thing which is proven true in 99% of the cases...girls do like bad boys...loathe it or not...the nice guys will find this hard to swallow. Don't worry...there is still 1% left...there is always hope right? Fucking hell, gimme a break! If hope remains a hope, what should you do? Ask yourself don't ask me...my hope has failed me since 16. If the punishment for being ruthless and heartless is going to hell...so be it! A heartless person wont have a heart to feel the pain of heartache and best of all he gains happiness by causing pain to others. I am sick of putting this smiling mask everyday and smile eventhough I am not happy.

welcome to the darker side of me...